You've Got Mail

One night last month I was bored and decided to play around with my Tinder app. Realizing that the $1.99 they wanted to charge me per month to get Tinder Plus didn't seem like a huge amount, especially when I found out that it cost more for my friends -- I could be quite competitive. So I went for it.

So suddenly I am able to teleport in Tinder-land since it's my favorite superpower and the only chance I can do so. Then the added bonus of being able to undo a wrong left swipe. The joy. (You may have not noticed the sarcasm there. What are the chances that your accidentally swiped left to your soulmate?)

So where to begin? Where can I teleport to? The best choice of course was to go to the country where I was traveling to next. I had trips planned for December and March. 

So December destination first.

A few minutes later... Okay, never mind. Looks like I won't have much eye candy when I go there. Anyways the purpose of that trip was mainly to relax in the beach and bond with friends. 

So on to the next destination. It would be the third time I will be visiting that place and I LOVE that city. I just couldn't seem to get enough of the place so I keep on going back. 

After dozens of swipes and some matches, I just waited if anyone will message me. Normally I would message first sometimes but not this time. I made it clear in my profile where I was swiping from. I wanted that to be clear to them and see if they will message me first. Some probably found it weird, while others were probably just collecting matches. 

A few actually messaged, and asked when I was visiting. That was the main topic for most of the conversations. A lot of them ended when I said I was visiting in March still. At least that helped filter the douches from the rest.

It was the following morning when I matched and got a message from a guy let's call Harvey. He didn't ask me so many questions on why I was swiping in his location that was thousands of miles away. 

Instead, we started bantering and it was such an enjoyable chat that a couple hours later we both openly admitted it. And when he said we will chat again soon, I somehow knew he meant it. (I could be gullible, I know). But Harvey didn't let me down because he greeted me a good morning the following day. 

Four weeks later and we're still chatting. It wasn't everyday, to be honest, but it was constant enough. It was the same bantering with some flirting injected into it. We would even talk about serious personal topics sometimes.

However, we both never asked each other what we were doing. That time he said he came from a bad date, he said the one he wanted to take out was halfway around the world. As much as I wanted to agree with him, I burst that bubble by saying that realistically, we might not get along as well in person. 

I'm not a pessimist. More often than not I have my head up in the clouds, but as a reminder to myself I had to say that out loud. He agreed with my point, but we still proceeded with our chats. 

I have to be honest and say that it stung a bit to know he went out on a date. I didn't have a right to be jealous of course but if only I could actually teleport I would be there in a heartbeat. 

False sense of intimacy could easily be a problem. I have to admit that I look forward to his messages and I enjoy chatting with him. And when we're not chatting I sometimes draft in my head what I want to tell him. 

Am I going crazy?

But I'm trying to be as real as I could. I'm still going on Tinder (and so does he). I still go on dates. I'm not counting on continuing chatting with him for the next months until I visit his city. I'd rather not expect. Hope, maybe. I guess unless we have a serious talk about it, I have to prepare myself that it could end any day.

We have some common views about life, but we have different tastes in music and obviously different culture. But how can I discount the fact that we could talk to each other well?

I'll just see how it goes. I will continue enjoying myself chatting with him yet continuously remind myself that I should also limit my attachment. Let's see what the next months hold for us. 

Fit Test

It's understandable that when you're out in the dating scene you would have these standards for the type of person you would want to meet and get to know.

The same goes if you go on Tinder. You don't swipe right on every guy you see. He has to pass a certain criteria you don't officially spell out.

I matched with a guy who was fairly attractive. We were chatting a bit until he asked, "Are you fit?"

I stilled when I read the question.

After a few moments, I decided to reply: "I workout regularly but I won't win any swimsuit competitions."

I was honest, and tried to inject some humor.

But somehow after that question I got lukewarm with him. I asked him, "Is that important to you?"

He said, "I like fit girls." He even said that my pictures didn't really show much.

I know I should respect his preference, and even appreciate his honesty, but the question threw me off because probably it triggered some insecurities in me.

I was overweight when I was a kid, and it was only high school onwards that I became more conscious about my eating habits and started working out. I even think I feel more confident now about my body than ever before. Of course I have my bad days, but I just motivate myself to go back on track and continue with my fitness journey.

I didn't want or have to explain to him that I work out five to six times a week, and watch what I eat most of the time. I've come a long way.

I had nothing to prove to him. I have my own goals, and I'm not doing it for anyone else but myself.

To be honest, I would prefer to be someone who would hopefully have some fitness goals as well. Knowing myself, I tend to get influenced easily and wouldn't want to spoil what I have been working for. I want to share the journey with someone. But to set the premise that "Yes, I'm fit" on the get-go gives too much pressure. I wished he would have just incorporated into our conversation questions about our lifestyles, and take it from there.

But then again, I can't re-write the script. He's a straightforward guy. I can't change that. He's not for me.

On to the next swipe.

Being Friends with Your Ex

I've read that people advise against this. I personally think it's a case-to-case basis.

If your relationship with your former SO was built on a foundation of honesty, maturity and pleasant experiences, it is highly possible you could actually become friends afterwards.

I know there are guys who are all-or-nothing -- it's either you become their girl or a stranger. That goes to show their maturity level, right?

I was praying that I could still be friends with my former SO, and I think my prayers were answered. I wanted to stay friends with him because I sincerely care about him. He was a really good guy, I just wasn't so into him romantically. It was also the same for him -- that was one of the reasons I stopped trying, since what was the point?

We still talk, and seem to be on the same page about things. We listen to each others' stories and give advise to each other. We respect and motivate each other. We even candidly talk about our former relationship and try to learn from it.

It's almost funny actually, but we somehow seem to be at peace.

Maybe we just met at the wrong time. Who knows maybe later on we could give it another try. But if we really aren't meant to be, it's okay too.

Muting the Sound of Settling

After letting go of the last guy, I've learned to accept the fact a week or two after. Since we were just seeing each other for just a few months, it didn't take that long.

It was also nice that he messaged me a week after. Who knows, maybe he was just feeling lonely. As for me, it would be nice to remain friends.

He called me this morning, and it turns out he's done a lot of thinking. I don't know if he misses me or again, was just feeling lonely, but he was listing down the things he liked about the two of us. How he enjoyed our vacation, and how he knows he can trust me, and how comfortable he was with me. He even said there were some times that he had strong feelings for me.

Okay.

I could say the same things -- most of it. I did enjoy the trip, and I am comfortable with him, and I am confident I can trust him. And as for having strong feelings for him, I did get attached to him after the trip. But I still couldn't get myself to like him more than that. After all this time.

I felt like I adjusted to him more than he had to adjust to me.

I felt like he doesn't desire me, and that he just likes me for the comfort I give him.

I felt like the relationship fast-forwarded and skipped that weeks/months of romance.

Admittedly, I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm not that unrealistic though. I'm not expecting fairy tales or romance novels. I just want the feeling of being pursued and being assured that he wants me.

For a while though, I thought that I should stick with him, because I was thinking maybe I wouldn't find another guy who would be that honest to me. But that would be settling, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. And being with him would require A LOT of changes for me since it would require me to move 6,000-8,000 miles to be with him. Then there's our different religions.

I couldn't even get myself to compromise those until I know I love him.

But I can say now that I don't.

I know love can be developed, but the way we're corresponding now, I'm not sure how that could happen.

But if he is realizing now that he misses me, and if he wants me, then he can pursue me. And who knows, maybe that was just what was missing.

But I've decided that I won't settle for someone just because we just like each other and get along well enough. The hopeless romantic in me is still looking for love.

Changes

I read posts from my blog seven and so years ago and I realized how some of my thinking has changed. I was a bit more optimistic then. I generally still am, but I could seriously sense the bounce of the words as I read some old posts.

I then realized that I have become a bit jaded over the years.

Life got to me.

And I know I'm really blessed. In most cases I was granted the major things I prayed for. But I've come to realize also that life could be hard, and yes there are times that you just really can't get anything you want.

I know it's all in the mindset, and that to be happy is a choice. I should remind myself that regularly and maybe I wouldn't doubt or worry as much.

Achievement Unlocked

I've always enjoyed writing fiction. I started when I was still in grade school and continued doing so until the present when I had some free time.

Writing is my avenue for my wild imagination -- I take over-thinking to the extreme. When things happen to me, I think of alternative scenarios.

It's always been in my bucket list to write a book. And finally, I did just that. I self-published a book and put it up on Kindle. And it's so satisfying to see some people buying it. The book is the first of a two-part series. Each book is independent of each other -- I don't like trapping people into buying the next book just to know the conclusion of the previous one.

I already have the second book for pre-order and I was so happy to see a few people pre-order the second one already. Weeee! It means they like the first book enough to look forward to the next.

I'm no bestseller novel. I'm not even dreaming of selling a lot. I write the way I blog -- straightforward and simple -- I just like telling stories that would evoke emotions to the readers.

It's a simple fulfillment, but I know now I can cross that off my bucket list!

Can We Still Be Friends?

I went out with this guy a few times and I felt the instant chemistry. Or maybe I just got it confused with sexual tension.

But we weren't just flirting. We talked about our interests, our immediate goals in life, our families, and some more.  He was smart. We had similar backgrounds. I was having a connection with this guy.

I thought it was already the spark I was looking for -- the one that was missing from the previous guy (see previous posts).

That's why it felt natural to kiss him by the second date.

Then on the third date -- bam --  he reveals he was still legally married and had two kids. He was separated and assured his wife wasn't chasing him.

That brought me out of the bubble. He must have sensed the change in me because we changed the topic to more trivial stuff. It was a pity really since we had good conversations. I asked him if we could at least be friends, and I told him that I shouldn't kiss him anymore. I didn't need any additional baggage right now.

But his response revealed that friendship wasn't enough for him since he knew we were attracted to each other. How naive I was to think he would be fine to stay as friends.

I knew I wasn't up for acting on that attraction.

It was nice knowing you then.

The Heartbreak of the Heartbreaker

Some may think I had it easy -- that it was usually me who would turn guys down, or end things with them after dating.

If only I was some heartless bitch.

If only I didn't care too much.

But it's heartbreaking to break the heart of someone.

To tell him that it won't work out between the two of us.

To tell him that I wasn't in love with him.

It's crossed my mind that I wish I could love him the way he deserved. But what do we both deserve anyway? It doesn't mean that I am better than him, or he is better than me. We were just not suited for each other. We weren't meant to be.

But not loving doesn't mean not caring. I care about him so much.

And I'm not saying that because I feel guilty for anything. I'm not guilty, because I was just being honest. I tried to make it work with him. But what's the use of dragging on something that wasn't working out?

I wish I could call him now to ask him how he is. I wish I could know how his day went. I wish he knows that despite everything else I want to be a friend to him. I wish he knows how grateful I am to him for treating me so well. I wish I could tell him what an amazing man he is.

Hopefully in time we could be friends.

Letting Go

I dated a guy for three months and we tried the long distance thing for two out of those months. He was 8,000 miles away and I was willing to try it because I thought I was so used to being on my own -- having someone thousands of miles away should be fine. I will have my own time as I am used to, and I wouldn't have someone breathing down my neck all the time.

How naive of me to think it would work out that way.

The short exchanges of messages in a day just didn't seem enough, until I felt he wasn't giving me enough time and effort.

When did I turn into one of those needy women?

Let me back up a bit. So we met end of December when he was in town to go diving. We had dinner the night before he was about to leave for another country in Asia. I guess we got along enough that he decided he wanted to go back. He booked a flight back the followmg week. I have to admit it was overwhelming that he would want to come back for ME after just one meeting. But of course it was also flattering and thrilling.

We went out when he came back and when it was time for him to leave again I got sad. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't sure if I liked him enough to ask for anything. But he said "i'm not sad because I know we will see each other again."

We corresponded since then, when he was back home in the US. We would message him everyday until I found out I was going to fly to the US end of February. I waited for a week or two to tell him -- I waited till I was sure I wanted to see him again.

And when I told him he said that we had to see each other. He had me extend my trip so we can meet where I would be. And so I did. I knew I wanted to see if there could be something between us. If fate was giving us a chance to see each other again, who was I to ignore it?

So we traveled for a little over a week together on March. I got to know him a whole lot. I got more comfortable with him but something was still holding me back. He was a REALLY good guy and I knew I could trust him. But by the end of the trip, I still wasn't sure. I wished I knew what I was feeling. I wished I could say I fell in love with him over the trip, but I didn't. I also could't end things then because I liked him and cared about him -- maybe I just needed more time to get to know him.

We continued corresponding after. The first week was hard because we were both still hungover from the time we spent together. But afterwards when maybe the magic spell was gone, things were starting to get a bit routine. The messages and the phone calles weren't enough and I was getting frustrted because I didn't see in progress in our relationship.

I had to talk to him a few times to discuss but things couln't get clearer.

Until I decided it wasn't working out.

So I spoke to him and aired my thoughts and we established we needed time apart. And despite my hesitance about the whole relationship, it was heartbreaking for me. He was a good man -- not perfect but he has some great qualities that I wish were enough for me to love him.

Maybe time and geography just weren't on our side.

If we were really meant not to be together then I really hope he find that someone soon and I could definitely say that girl would be very lucky to have him.

switch

So I went out with guy five times and I was reminding myself that he wasn't my type physically. But somehow his personality made me agree to go with him these times (And mind you, each date lasted six hours on average). And I was partially just flattered that he openly said that he liked me. I knew I didn't like him as much, but I wanted to explore the possibility that I might learn to like him too.

It was on the sixth date that he brought me to such a romantic restaurant, and it was under the warm white light that it was like something switched on inside me, and I realized that there was something in him.

This prodded me to watch again Josh Radnor's movie "happythankyoumoreplease". I watched this a few years back and suddenly wanted to watch it again since I knew I could relate to it.

There was one particular scene when Malin Akerman's role Annie was on a date with a guy from her office that wasn't her usual type. Here was the conversation:

Annie: Sam, we need to talk.
Sam: You mean the talk where you tell me how great I am, but you can get involved. And it's not me, it's you. And you're damaged and you wish you could. I refuse to have that talk.
Annie: Sam, I'm not good for you.
(pause)
Sam: Are you happy?
Annie: No. I'm not happy. 
Sam: I can make you happy. Seriously, let me love you. I'm totally up to the task. Actually I've already started. 
(Annie attempts to leave)
Sam: No, no, no. Don't leave before it even started. Look at me. I get it, I'm not the guy you had in mind. What if you don't know what's best for you.
Annie: And you do?
Sam: I believe I do.
Annie: Where did you come from Sam?
Sam: Weschester. Do you know why I hang out in the fifth floor. First time I saw you I thought Wow! Her! The girl with the funny head wrap. I want to be near that girl! Trust me, I don't normally talk this way but I'm gone over you.
Annie: Stop, shut the fuck up. 
Sam: Why? You can hear this. Close your eyes.
Annie: Why?
Sam: I just want you to listen to me. Humor me please.
(Annie closes eyes)
Sam: It's not easy to be a dork. You in particular, you have a tougher time with it than most. I get that. But I want you to give it a try. Think of it as an experiment. I promise I will be very wonderful in adoring you. It's an area where I think I got a great deal of talent. You're worth that adoration, Annie. You're worth it. And the fact that you don't believe it has nothing to do whether it's true or not. It is true for me. And that is all that matters. 
(Annie opens eyes and suddenly sees a different guy in front of her)

Then Malin/Annie calls Josh Radnor and tells him this:

Annie: You know how people say beauty's on the inside? Well that's total bullshit. Beauty's on the outside! I'm listening to Sam. Listening.  Because he had me close my eyes. So hot! As he's talking it's like the molecules on his face must have rearranged themselves because I open my eyes and suddenly I am in front of the most beautiful, gorgeous man. Here is what I have to say to you: Sadness be gone, let's be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.

This could be it. I don't know. But amazing, isn't it? How these things just click and blows you over instantly. Wow.

Head vs Heart

The age-old question is still left unanswered. I know it's a case-to-case basis. There are times it's better to use the head; sometimes we're told to follow our hearts. Or maybe there can be a balance. But it's just one of those times that I am confused and don't know what it should be. I'm trying to find that balance but haven't found it yet. I just pray that I find the answers soon and make the right decisions.

The Story of My Life

Mr. San Francisco suddenly messaged me. Turns out he is back in town for a month. He asked me if I wanted to share a meal with him (he could sound so formal sometimes). Of course I agreed. But this time, I no longer had expectations. It's too strong to say I've been burnt by him before, but I guess I kind of get the impression he just wants a friend, and nothing more. If he was interested me as more than a friend, he would have kept in touch.

So we had dinner. And I mean literally just that. two hours of food and conversation. No invite for after-dinner drinks or coffee. Conversation is still easy with him. He's a nice guy.

I am interested to get to know him more, but he isn't giving me the chance.

He said we could see each other again before he leaves. I don't want to hope.

I mentioned I MIGHT go to San Francisco for a couple of days next month. (he was the one who asked me when I was going back). He said he wants to bring me around. Guess he was just being friendly.

He said I am his one and only Tinder meet-up. Or so he says. But this was after I told him I met with one guy after him. (Oh wait, were there three? My bad!) He had the chance to kind of come clean. I DID say i met with one guy. What's wrong if he admitted he met up with someone too? So I guess he was being honest.

He also said he might not meet up with any other friends during this trip. Or he was just saying that.

So again will just go with the flow with him and not have any expectations.

But here's the thing. There's this other guy who's really interested in me, and actually flew back to Manila for me. It's overwhelming and flattering, but so far I haven't felt any chemistry with him. But I'm heeding others' advice to get to know a person first. Sometimes it happens later on. So that's what I'm trying.

I have this guy who's interested in me. Then there's this guy I'm interested in but doesn't seem to be as into me.

The story of my life.