late bloomer

I've always considered myself as a home body.

When I was a kid until high school, I'd usually spend my time away from school at home. There were just some instances during high school when my social life was a bit healthier, but I still couldn't go out often enough since my parents wouldn't allow me some times, or I wouldn't want to bother my dad to drive me wherever.

College, it was alright. I went out sometimes with friends. But sometimes I was actually craving for a night at the bar or something that was different.

In Singapore, I had a few chances. Since the public transport system was very reliable, I was able to go out some. But then there wasn't a group of people I really wanted to hang out with. (maybe I found some, but they didn't feel the same way haha) And it didn't help that going out in Singapore was expensive -- the food, the drinks, the taxi ride back. Since I was in OFW mode then, I just stayed in most of the time.

But what a change it has been since I started to drive. There's some more freedom. A bit costly to go out often, but at least I have more chances now, and more freedom to decide if I want to go out or not. I've been meeting some new people -- and I know most of them aren't lifelong friend material. But I'll just enjoy it. I'm single and young (don't argue!) so there's no reason to stay home all the time. :)

all clear!

Finally NDG#3 has kinda gotten the message and moved on to pester a new girl -- his ex. And it seems like the girl is interested in getting back with him. It's a relief that I can go back to being friends with him, without worrying if I am giving any wrong signal :)

maybe i'm getting it wrong

I spent the weekend with friends. Sandwiched my midterms exam with two drinking sessions (haha). It feels good to feel like having a life. But this post isn't about that.

Just had some realizations over the weekend.

Since high school, even coming from an all-girls school, I would have some guy friends. You know how it is. A group of girls become friends with another group of guys from an all-boys school. The usual case is that one of the guys is courting one of the girls, and that's how the two groups end up hanging out together.

I wasn't the one being courted.

I was the one who got along with the guys. Was one of the boys in a lot of cases. I'm not a tomboy. It's just that I've just never been the demure, meek girl that all the guys fall for. So I don't really see how guys could find me intimidating still after getting to know me.

There were some cases I would have a crush on one of the guys. But shy ol' me would be too shy with that guy. I end up talking more to the other guys I don't have a crush on, then it ends up that those guys I don't have a crush on, end up courting me. Gah.

Now that I'm taking my MBA, I've been hanging out with this group of guys. Again I'm one of the boys. I just want to hang out with them, but unfortunately, the other guys have been teasing me and probably matchmaking (not that obviously, thank God) to one of the guys. Unfortunately the guy isn't my type. Over the weekend the wife of one of the guys asked me, "What if ***** courts you?"

It caught me off guard -- all I could was shake my head and mumble something about just being friends. So she asked me, "Di mo type?" and I just shrugged.

In reality, he isn't my type. He's shorter. He looks much older than his age. And above all, we don't share the same sense of humor. In fact, I find him a bit corny. But he's a decent guy. As a friend.

But right now, I'm hoping he wouldn't think of courting me. Because I want to continue hanging out with these guys. I'm not saying that I won't want anyone to court me if I'm friends with his friends. If there's any sort of chemistry between me and the guy it would be great. I won't mind him courting me. So what if it doesn't work out, the opportunity was there.

But this guy just doesn't do it for me, sorry to say. Going back to the girl's questions, "what if he courts me?" I won't stop him, but I wish he won't. I don't know if it's wrong that I'm negative about it even before anything has happened.

How does it work? A guy asks you out, do you still yes even if he's not your type? Even after being friends for more than a year, you just don't see it going to happen. Am I still supposed to give him a chance? I know that sometime something develops between two people unexpectedly. Am I depriving myself from those things to happen? What if I've missed chances because I've been negative too early?

Am I being too much of a hopeless romantic to think that I would want to be somewhat attracted (not necessarily physically) to the person for me to go on a date with him?

pathetic

Right now my two semi-crushes (allow me to qualify) are either married or about to be married.

How pathetic can I be.

And how pathetic are the options out there, that the decent men I see are already taken.

And don't worry, I won't commit any sins of coveting anyone's husband or fiance. The situation's just sad really. And that's why they're just "semi" crushes. For a bit of inspiration. Nothing more.

I miss having a real, not-just-semi-but-potential crush. Anyone out there?

first impressions

There are some people I dislike (or just don't care much about) at first sight. This is wrong, I know, but it's natural instinct. In some cases, when I do get the chance to get to know the person better, I'm proved wrong.

The same way I know some people may have an impression of me. One of my classmates (not so close though) insists that I'm too intimidating. Which sounds silly because why would he continue to talk to me, if I am indeed intimidating. This guy is a few years younger -- so I'll just think he's just being immature.

I told him I've accepted that some people may find me intimidating AT FIRST. I know that once they get to know me I'm pretty easy going. He debated that first impressions last. I don't think so, buddy.

I don't know if I'm being stubborn. But there's nothing I can do to change how people may perceive me at first. I can't make myself shorter. I won't change my posture.

I won't accept the theory that I'm still single because I look intimidating. I don't think all guys are weak and insecure. I've just been exposed to the wrong ones. I just have to stay patient.

no regrets?

I know people keep on saying, "Live life with no regrets." I don't know if they ever qualified what they mean by "regrets". It would be BS if I say I've lived my life so far with no regrets.

I regret not buying extra pairs of those comfy shoes from H&M Hong Kong.

I regret not meeting up with my high school barkada some December years ago.

I regret some silly stuff I did years ago.

I regret some of the things I eat. (I still remember Sir O chanting during college ... "A moment on your lips, a lifetime on your hips. Hahaha!)

I'm sure there are others.

But the point is, so what if we have regrets. Things happen for a reason. My list of regrets may be shallow in nature. But still I've probably learned something after these. Life goes on. If I end up making another decision in the near (or not) future, then so be it. Maybe I'm making less regretful decisions now since I've learned a thing or two.

So ease up, everyone.

obsession?

Some people I know have that "could-have-been" ex-boyfriend. Not just any of the ex-boyfriends. It's like who among the exes was the closest to happily ever after. Was just short of something.

But that doesn't apply to me. So instead of having that "could-have-been" ex, I have the "could-have-been" crush. Haha. Labo. But if people ask me what's my type of guy, I think of him. *kilig*

He's tall. He's cute. He's close to his sister and to his mom (without being a mama's boy).

Sometimes I'm kicking myself for missing my chance with him. But don't mind me. It happened more than ten years ago. My memory's fuzzy, wondering why I didn't even pay much attention to him when he was already calling me. But I'm sure our personalities didn't jive well. Why else would I have ignored him when I was the first one who was interested in him? Maybe's he's just a pretty face.

And maybe now that I haven't really liked anyone for some time now (years?) I'm trying to dig up old flames (haha!) and try to survive a bit more with those memories. I'm pretty sure I've magnified my whole crush on him.

But then again...It didn't help that I saw his photo in some print ad (I could already start singing Magasin by Eraserheads). It didn't help that I saw him in the mall after oh so many years (but dared not show myself to him). And it isn't helping that his latest FB status is "Cupid's got me running solo...again?! Damn!>=/"

Damn talaga. And asa pa ako. So what if he's single now. It's not like he's gonna come knocking on my door. He must have filed me as a girl who stupidly left him hanging those years ago. (But then again, he didn't try hard enough.)

I need someone REAL. I need to let go of this crazy delusion.